Angelus's Vampire Journal

Angelus's Journal

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12 entries this month

← Nov 2010

Jan 2011 →

**Guffaw**
00:17 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 699

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'

'What powerful rivers!'

'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.

He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said:!

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps:

You could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord,

Amen.

COMMENTS

DestroyingAngel
23:14 Jan 03 2011

Oh my god ROFL! Too funny...

I needed that. Thank you lol.

**Giggles**
00:39 Dec 28 2010
Times Read: 721

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept. of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

COMMENTS

**Groans and Giggles**
16:33 Dec 27 2010
Times Read: 727

Q. Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

A. So he can Ho-Ho-Ho

Q. Why did the crab blush?

A. Because the sea weed.

COMMENTS

xxEmaeraldxx
18:55 Dec 27 2010

Here is one for you now..

Q. Why did the chewing gum cross the road Neill?

A. Because it got stuck to the chicken!

**Groans and Giggles**
20:56 Dec 25 2010
Times Read: 775

Q. What do elves learn in school?

A. The Elf - abet

Q: What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?

A. I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

COMMENTS

**Giggles**
11:22 Dec 21 2010
Times Read: 787

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4.. a brother

5.. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14.. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19.. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41.. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50.. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

..

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

COMMENTS

BluSpirit
18:12 Dec 21 2010

*laughs because it's mostly true*

Msknowledge
13:59 Dec 23 2010

*chuckles*

I love your sense of humor

**Giggles**
01:17 Dec 19 2010
Times Read: 804

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist',

and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!'

replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'

COMMENTS

DestroyingAngel
23:39 Dec 19 2010

Wow!!! ROFL!

**Grins**
23:27 Dec 18 2010
Times Read: 806

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."

He said, "No, seriously, the footy is about to start, bugger off!"

COMMENTS

**Giggles**
00:04 Dec 13 2010
Times Read: 822

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he

entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S

ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

publicity that he ordered the

Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP

SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S

ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he

ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a

nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get

rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN

SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he

ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and

lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .

being concerned about public opinion can bring

you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

COMMENTS

BluSpirit
18:45 Dec 13 2010

*laughs* how true that moral is!!

DestroyingAngel
09:59 Dec 15 2010

ROFL...

Okay, this one was just priceless! lol.

**A teary smile**
00:05 Dec 11 2010
Times Read: 832

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE, MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY, WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO, IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES, OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT, CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR, IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED, A TRUE BRITISH SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO, OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALISED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS, WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE, A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM, EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER, HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE, IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT, A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES, AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED, AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM; I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS...."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL, AND WE BOTH SHIVERED, FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE, ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOUR, SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, A ND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas.

COMMENTS

DestroyingAngel
10:36 Dec 11 2010

wow...

**Guffaw**
00:06 Dec 08 2010
Times Read: 862

Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled butt...

You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.

Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God ...

That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

COMMENTS

NoctusAngelusProcella
01:08 Dec 08 2010

sounds like me though I ain't 60 lol

xxEmaeraldxx
17:17 Dec 08 2010

haha i loved this one!

DestroyingAngel
12:00 Dec 09 2010

ROFL...

Nice *giggles*

**Giggles**
13:16 Dec 01 2010
Times Read: 884

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Will you look at that", says the first Irishman, "and didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are".

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside.

"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats", say the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer and roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.

"Oh, how sad!” says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died!"

COMMENTS

ladySnowStrixx
15:45 Dec 01 2010

LMAO , now that's funny

JinxHeartSmile
22:19 Dec 01 2010

I don't get it.. :/

DestroyingAngel
11:39 Dec 03 2010

wow...lol

NoctusAngelusProcella
01:07 Dec 08 2010

lol

no seriously I am cathlic

**Giggles**
00:42 Dec 01 2010
Times Read: 810

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."